


Waiting to Die

by BoldBeverly



Category: Star Trek: Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Episode: s07e08 Attached, F/M, Forgiveness, Guilt, Romance, Seduction, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28291497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoldBeverly/pseuds/BoldBeverly
Summary: In the new Picard series we find out that Jean-Luc Picard has left Starfleet after the failed rescue of the Romulan people from their homeworld. Thousands of rescue ships were lost when they were attacked by rogue synths from Mars. Picard comes out of retirement to help synth sisters Dahj and Soji but remarks that he had been "waiting to die" at the chateau. What contributed to this attitude? How can Picard overcome it to focus on the mission at hand? Why do we not see Beverly Crusher, his closest friend in the series? How can a visit from Wesley Crusher help?
Relationships: Beverly Crusher/Jean-Luc Picard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. The Present - La Sirena

Jean-Luc Picard sat in the re-creation of his LaBarre study on board the La Sirena. For the first time in almost two decades he had a mission and a purpose. It felt good but there was a lingering grief about him when he was alone with his thoughts. 

All of a sudden he knew he wasn't alone. He'd not heard the doors open so he looked cautiously around. He spied a figure on his couch. His instincts told him this person wasn't a threat but he approached carefully.

The man looked up into Picard's face and smiled softly. "Hello Captain," he said.

"Wesley?" he replied, the question obvious in his voice.

"Yes. It's good to see you back out here, sir."

"It's good to be back, I suppose."

"I suppose you wonder why I've come, Captain," Wes said.

"I haven't been a captain in a very long time, Wesley. You can call me Jean-Luc, or JL as some of my friends are wont to do. 

"I'll try but you'll always be my captain. I've come because you need a clear head and heart for this mission. You've told your friends that this is about Data, but that's only partially true," Wes said.

"It's.....true enough," Picard said quietly, not meeting his eyes.

"It's enough for them, but not for you," Wes replied.

"Wesley, it was a long time ago. I have no right to presume upon anyone else's memory."

"She's not just anyone," Wesley said quietly. "You've got to admit that and forgive yourself if you truly want to focus on this mission and succeed."

Picard simply stared at him for a moment, then he rubbed his hands down his face, a move Wes knew was his way of trying to organize his thoughts when he was frustrated.

"Wesley I try not to dwell on things I can't change. I'm finally trying to move forward."

"I know and I also know that to do that you have to let go of your guilt."

"I am guilty Wesley. If it weren't for me, for my grand plans, she might still be alive." His voice had grown hoarse. "Perhaps I was tilting at windmills after all."

"You don't believe that, and neither did she."Wesley pressed on. He'd watched Jean-Luc Picard shutter himself away for years and knew that he was finally ready to move on but in order to do that he had to confront the past.

Picard shrugged and sipped his wine. 

"How would you describe my mom?" He asked Picard.

"Why are you doing this Wesley? Why are you even here? I've cost you the lives of both your parents." The grief and guilt were now far too close to the surface.

"No, circumstances did and you need to see that. How would you describe my mom?" he repeated.

Picard supposed he owed Wesley this, to play along if that's what he wanted. 

"Smart, independent, dedicated, loyal, stubborn, fascinating, self-less. She was one of the best people I've ever known. What do you want me to say?" It seemed an agony to him to think of her. In his mind he saw her, saw her smile, heard her laughter, remembered the determined set of her jaw when she argued a point, the sparkle in her blue eyes when she teased him. His eyes shone with unshed tears as he looked across at Wes.

"Did you order her to join the rescue efforts?"

Picard barked a laugh, but it was a short, angry sound. "No." 

"Could you have stopped her?"

"Maybe. Maybe if I'd listened to those who said it was doomed."

"You still think it was the right thing to have done. Do you think she disagreed?"

"No. If anything she was as passionate as I about saving lives, perhaps more so," he admitted. She'd never been one to flee from danger if someone needed her help. If anything, he'd tried to get her to have a better sense of self-preservation over the years. He had failed. 

"You do her memory a disservice by blaming yourself. It isn't what she would have wanted," Wesley told him.

"I don't...." Picard didn't know what to say. His regrets about Beverly's death were so complicated, so tied up in the choices they had made, the risks not taken. "I have no right to make any pronouncements about her death or her life," he said finally.

"Because of how you left things? Because of all you didn't say, didn't do?" Wes challenged.

Picard simply looked at him, grief etched into every line of his face. He was silent for several minutes. "What do you want me to say Wesley? That I regret never having told her how much I loved her? That I wish things had been different?" 

"Yes. You need to admit that to yourself. Then you have to forgive yourself because they weren't. I came here to give you a chance to say goodbye, to make it right," Wes told him.

"What does that mean?"

"You know what I am, what I can do," Wes said. "I can give you 48 hours with her. You pick the time and I will take you there."

It was tempting, really tempting but he was still Jean-Luc Picard and duty still called above everything. He shook his head. "If I went back I'm afraid I would do something to alter the timeline. I couldn't be trusted to just observe."

"You wouldn't change anything, not that would impact this life," Wes told him. "I can protect the timeline."

"I don't know Wesley. How do you know it won't make it worse, that my grief won't overwhelm me? I have people who need me now," Picard told him. 

"I know," said Wes. "I know you must do this in order to have a clear conscience for this mission. I can take you wherever you need to go and you will return at this same moment."

"Why? Why do you want to do this for me? Why now?" He loved Wesley but their relationship was complicated and their last interactions when Wes had been human hadn't been their most pleasant.

"Because you always did what I needed, even when it wasn't easy. You cared enough to push me. Now it is you who needs help. That is what love does."

"You are your parents son, aren't you? Dedicated, stubborn and determined."

Wesley smiled. "I've had many parents and I hope I have learned from all of them. What l know now is that you need to fix things with mom and then you need to return and finish this mission."

The air of authority with which he spoke cinched it. Picard would do as he asked.

"I can pick any time?"

"Yes, but you will only have two days."

"But what if I change my behavior and it changes things?"

"It will not change this timeline. Essentially you could create a different future but this one will remain," Wes assured him.

Picard pondered when and where to go. He had so many questions. It was like being in the Nexus. 

Wesley could see his turmoil. "I will take you and pick you up at the end of your 48 hours. You will have complete privacy in-between," he promised.

Picard nodded. He knew where and when, knew that it could easily end in heartbreak again. He told Wes, and Wesley agreed.


	2. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean-Luc Picard returns to his past. How will Beverly Crusher react to his revelations?

Picard awoke, feeling the hard ground of Kesprytt beneath him. He felt Beverly in his mind, saw her sitting up just beyond him looking at the dying embers of the fire. He'd almost forgotten how beautiful she was. He smiled to himself, becoming lost in the moment.

Jean-Luc moved to sit next to her. She didn't acknowledge his presence. He would have to start the conversation. He could sense her confusion, her stress.

"Beverly," he said as he touched her arm. She finally turned to look at him, questions swirling in her eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" she asked.

"For lying to you earlier," he said matter of factly. 

"Why did you?" Unspoken was the fact that on any other day she might have gone along with it. 

"Habit. Self-preservation. Fear. To protect you. I'm not really sure." He was telling the truth now and she could feel that. A weight lifted but her mind remained heavy.

"You know now that I love you too, but what do we do with that?" she asked. 

"I can think of a few things," he teased, trying to lighten the mood. 

"I've been witness to your dreams for the last hour so I know that," she responded, raising her eyebrows. "A part of me would really like to explore that but I'm afraid too."

"Why?" he asked. It's what he should have said the first time she had told him that so many years ago. 

She shook her head. He could see the images swirling there. Jack. Locutus. Wesley. Commander Darren. Himself on a biobed in sickbay with a hole in his chest. Herself arguing with him on Rutia IV. Running through caves on Celtis III. A debate in the conference room. Smiling at him over breakfast. Their relationship was long and complicated, of that there was no doubt. 

"I used to think that if I kept our relationship simple that it might not hurt as much when you were injured or if you died," she started, "but honestly that hasn't worked. Every time it's been devastating. I've learned how to work through it, I am a professional, a Starfleet officer, but it doesn't hurt less." A tear ran down her cheek. He reached up and brushed it off with his thumb. She leaned into his caress and closed her eyes for a moment. 

"I decided long ago that I needed to maintain a distance from my crew in order to be an effective captain," he told her, "but that hasn't worked well with you. I've tried pretending that I feel nothing but friendship and it seems as though this experience has shown that too to be a lie."

"We're a pair," she said with a sigh. "If we move forward, can you treat me like any other member of the crew professionally?"

"I'm not sure I ever have or that you have expected me too. Do I let anyone else call me Jean-Luc? Who else could have convinced me to adopt a wounded Borg? Can you imagine any other crew member stealing a shuttlecraft and flying it into a sun?" he shook his head. "I've sometimes wondered if Starfleet would reassign you away from me. l don't believe I've ever stood in your way, have I?"

"No, but you were involved with Commander Darren for only weeks and you sent her away," Beverly countered. 

He realized suddenly that while Beverly had been jealous of Nella, her real fear now was what his handling of that relationship could mean for theirs. For her. He felt her conflicted emotions in his head. 

"Ordering you into danger has always been a special kind of hell, but I've done it, many times," he replied. 

"Can you do it in the future, if we change the nature of our relationship? Can you handle it when I disagree with you?" she asked. "I can't choose between us and myself. I can't not be me." There was a desperation behind her words. 

"I can because the alternative is not loving you and I don't think I can bear that anymore," he replied. 

"You really think we can make it work? I can't think of losing your friendship. Neither of us makes friends easily, not the kind you can trust," she said. 

"I'm fairly certain that is also why neither of us will be successful in other relationships," he said. "Our bond with each other interferes."

"So you think that we either chose to be together or to be alone? Forever? That sounds ominous."

"Or beautiful," he said, holding out his hand. She felt a desire in him, a certainty that she hadn't felt earlier and that confidence, that commitment convinced her to place her hand in his. No turning back. 

He pressed his lips to hers, gently at first, a kiss of reassurance and love. When she reached up and put her hands on his chest, he deepened the kiss. She'd always known it would be good between them, knew that once they started they couldn't stop. He felt the joy and desire rise in her mind as her body responded to his touch. 

The need to remove their clothes and feel flesh on flesh forced them to break the kiss. Jean-Luc smiled at her as he pulled off her uniform top, "Not exactly the romantic setting I pictured," he told her. 

"Yes, in your dream there was a great big, soft bed and I was NOT wearing this uniform," she said with a laugh. "I'll live without the bed, you live without the lingerie, we'll just focus on each other," she told him, as she reached for the clasp on his pants, leaving little doubt as to her expectations. 

Later, as they lay on top of their discarded uniforms he thought he'd never been so happy, and he could feel her satisfaction as well. They drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. 

The next morning after their mad dash through the countryside, they found their way to the border. Beverly used the tricorder to open a portal and pushed Jean-Luc through. As they gazed at each other across the forcefield Picard knew their love was strong enough for whatever was to come. 

Back on board the Enterprise the two enjoyed a romantic dinner and a long evening in his very comfortable bed. As the hours lengthened into the wee hours of the night, Jean-Luc knew his time with her was growing short. He pulled her close and kissed her hair. "I love you, you know that don't you?" he whispered, not entirely sure if she was asleep or awake. 

"I do, I also know you aren't really my Jean-Luc Picard, not fully anyway," she stroked his face. He could see she wasn't angry, just curious. "A different timeline or the future?" she asked. 

"How did you know?" he inquired. 

She smiled sadly. "I knew as soon as you woke up on the planet. You were different. More sure of yourself, more sure of us, but also there was a cloak of grief that you tried to bury. I assume that I died, and you were unhappy with how we left things."

"Did you read that through the implants?" 

"Partly I suppose but also because I know you and if it hadn't been something dramatic you wouldn't have done all this."

"Are you sorry? Sorry that we're here, sorry that I am not exactly your Jean-Luc Picard?"

"I'm not. You are mine. I felt that underneath it you were the same man and that you love me, perhaps have always loved me," she kissed him softly. 

"I am from the future and yes, you are right about the rest," he told her. He had no idea of the consequences of this but he knew that he was unwilling to lie to her. 

"Will this change the timeline? Change your future?" she asked. 

"I've been told that it will not, that the future I will return to will be the same, but it might change yours, for the better I hope," he told her. 

"I assume my Picard will return, will he remember?" 

"I don't know. I think I was so caught up in the opportunity to see you, to set this right that I may have neglected to ask some important questions," he admitted. 

She nodded. Time would tell she supposed. "This doesn't seem quite like Q's style," she speculated, " so who?"

"Are you sure you want to know? It hasn't happened in your timeline, I'm not 100% sure it will," he replied. 

"Yes, I can handle it," she told him. 

"I rather believe you can handle anything," he said with a smile. "Your strength, your sheer force of will is one of the things I love most about you. At least when it doesn't terrify me," he told her. "It was Wesley."

"Wesley? He can do that?"

"Do you remember the Traveler from Tau Alpha C?"

"How could I forget? That warp bubble is still the stuff of my nightmares," she responded. 

Picard smiled. "I don't know, it allowed me to hug you in the middle of Engineering which I enjoyed," he said. 

She chuckled. "I'd think the last few hours would make that hug pale in comparison."

"Well yes, but it did sustain me for a while before recent events," he told her. 

"So Wes has gone with the Traveler? He can do what the Traveler did? Did he leave Starfleet?"

"He did leave Starfleet to go with him in my future. We both supported him at the time. It was his destiny."

"His destiny?" she was overwhelmed by the idea. She knew he was a genius but he'd had a rough time at the Academy and the idea that he was now gallivanting around the universe with a man who could send the Enterprise thousands of light years with his thoughts, and that he could send Picard here from the future was a lot to take in. 

"The Traveler told me the first time he met Wesley that he was like Mozart. That he understood time and space in a way that we cannot."

She nodded but wasn't sure she really comprehended it. "How much longer can you stay?" she asked instead. 

He looked for the chronometer. "Maybe another hour," he said, regret in his voice. 

"How about breakfast, for old times sake?" she asked.

"Maybe in a bit, I'm hungry for something else" he said, pressing a soft kiss to her neck and once again palming her breast., teasing her nipple with his thumb. 

"Ok, but you are the one in charge of keeping track of time. If my son interrupts us, remember that!"

"He sent me here. I assume he has enough sense to materialize in the living room."

She kissed him deeply and moved her hands down to stroke his desire. They were soon lost in each other again. 

Forty-five minutes later, Picard finally pulled himself away and climbed out of bed. Beverly propped herself up on one elbow, the sheet loosely draped over her and watched him dress. "Do you think I can meet him?" she asked.

"Wesley?" She nodded. "I suppose you can try, he can stop it if he wants I assume."

She got up and went to his closet and pulled out a Starfleet track suit and put it on. "Not nearly as flattering as your attire last evening," he remarked. 

"I somehow don't think my son will appreciate the dress or the lingerie as you did," she retorted. 

"Probably true," he allowed with a chuckle. He pulled her close and kissed her again. This kiss was soft, full of love and devotion. She sighed and leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. He tangled his fingers through her hair, loving its soft, silky feel. They stood like that for a moment until they heard a sound in the living room. 

She intertwined her fingers with his and together they walked through the door. Wesley stood, waiting for them. 

He saw his mom and opened his arms to her. "Oh Wesley," she said. "You're so grown up. I know that's a silly thing to say," she babbled as she ran her hands over him. Stepping back, she asked, "Are you happy?"

Wesley gazed back at her. Happiness was not a concept he had thought about in a long time. "I have seen and done things, you couldn't even dream of, met aliens and traveled to worlds so far away humans may never get there. I've been to other universes and timelines. I suppose that it has made me happy. This makes me happy, seeing you happy," he told her. 

"Thank you," she said. "Not every son would go to this much trouble for his mother's love life," she joked through the tears pooling in her eyes. 

"It was important, for both of you and for many others," he told her. "That is your legacy, the both of you. Doing what is right for others, helping and caring about other people, even those other people fear or despise" Wesley said, looking between them. 

"That sounds like a pretty good legacy," she said, kissing him on the cheek. "Can I ask a question?"

"Yes, although I may not be able to answer."

"Will I remember these last two days? Will my Picard?" she asked.

"You and he will remember what happened between the two of you. You will not remember me or the fact that I brought this Picard here from the future," he said. 

"That seems fair," she said. "Should I go back to my quarters?"

"I think your Picard will expect to find you here. You can go back to bed. He will appear once we depart," Wesley told her. 

"I need to go, don't I?'' she asked, her voice heavy. 

"Yes," he said. 

She nodded, hugged him and kissed his cheek once more. "I love you Wesley, don't forget to visit me, no matter what happens," she admonished. "Take care of Jean-Luc." He nodded and kissed her back. 

Then she went to Picard, "Thank you for having the desire and the courage to change this lifetime for us. Always remember that I love you. Now, go and do whatever it is that you need to do to save the galaxy this time." She kissed him one more time, a lingering kiss of love. 

"How did you know?" Wesley asked her. 

"I always do," she replied as she sauntered towards the bedroom. She flashed them one more smile, "Good night boys." She disappeared into Picard's bedroom. 

Wesley turned to Picard, "How did you resist her for so long?"

Picard laughed. "I'm really not sure. I can only surmise the lady hadn't really decided she wanted me yet."

Wesley took his hand and they disappeared.


	3. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Picard has changed the past, can he forgive himself and move on?

When they reappeared on the La Sirena, Wesley sat on the couch again and Picard went to the liquor cabinet, "I'm not sure about you, but I could use a brandy, care to join me?"

"I would," Wesley said. He didn't really need to eat or drink anymore but he could and sharing a drink with Captain Picard sounded like something he should definitely do. 

Picard brought two snifters with a healthy does of brandy over and handed one to Wes. "To Beverly Crusher, a most amazing woman in any timeline," he said as he raised his glass. 

Wes clinked his glass against Picard's. "I'll drink to that." The two men sat in silence for a few minutes, each thinking about the woman they had left behind. 

Finally, Wes spoke. "Would you like to see what her life, your life was like in that timeline?"

"I don't know, do I?" he asked. 

"It's a good life and I think you would enjoy it. I can show you the highlights if you like."

Picard nodded his agreement and Wes told him to close his eyes. 

In his mind he saw them, Beverly in a long dress of copper, heavy with child, his hand pressed against her belly, saw his own smug smile as the baby kicked. It appeared to be their wedding at which Guinan was officiating.

He saw a small girl with streaming red hair, she ran to him, a book clutched in one hand, happily climbing into his lap, clearly sure of her welcome there. To his delight she started to read to him. 

Then there was a boy with light hair, maybe 7 years old, handing him a discipline note from his teacher. The boy stood quietly while Picard read it. Jean-Luc saw his hand come down, stroke the boy's hair and pull him close to his side. He spoke softly to him. 

He saw himself and Beverly at Will and Deanna's wedding, dancing and smiling. 

He saw them walking along a path at Starfleet Headquarters, her hair shot with silver, walking with the children, almost teens. He wore the bars of an admiral and she the pips of a captain. 

They were seated around the dining room table at the Chateau, their children, including Wesley and those of Will and Deanna. 

He saw her as Captain on the bridge of the USS Pasteur. 

He saw his children graduating from the Academy, his daughter in command red, her brother in the blue of the science and medical departments. Picard somehow knew he was a healer like his mother. He looked but did not see Beverly there. 

He watched as his daughter accepted her commander's pips and stepped onto the bridge of a starship as first officer. 

He saw his son, in a sickbay, directing his staff and then examining a patient. 

He opened his eyes and was back in the present, on board the La Sirena. 

"Thank you," he said, his voice heavy with emotion. 

"It's a little overwhelming isn't it?" Wes asked. 

Picard nodded, his eyes shone with tears, but Wes knew they were mostly happy tears. 

"They were conceived that night on Kesprytt,” Wes told him. “Your kids are good people, you are a good father, but I already knew that," Wesley said with a smile. 

"She died the same time, the same way didn't she?" Picard asked. He knew the memories went beyond Beverly's life. He could feel her loss in his counterpart, in his children. She would not have missed graduation. 

"Yes, but the point wasn't to change her death, it was to change her life and yours, to address that regret," Wes replied. "She is who she is in any timeline, in any relationship. It was her duty and her passion to save people and that is what she did. It is what she wants you to do, one of the things she loved most about you." 

Picard stared into the fire. After a long while he spoke. "Thank you, Wesley." 

Wesley stood up, Picard offered his hand, but Wesley leaned in and pulled him into a hug. 

After Wesley left, Picard went to his bag, pulled out a small holo and turned it on. He gazed upon the image of his senior officers from the Enterprise-D, taken at the Riker-Troi wedding and for the first time in many years he smiled at it without feeling the heaviness of guilt and grief. He carried it into his bedroom and set it on the nightstand. 

He was ready for whatever came next.


End file.
